


The strength to go on

by realta_reatha



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Feels, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Normal Life, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Finale, Self-Reflection, Sexual Content, Some just don't get the happiness they deserve, Triggers, lots of ups and downs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-05-02 18:45:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14551035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realta_reatha/pseuds/realta_reatha
Summary: Basically: Juice gets away and things are actually improving.I suck at summaries. This is basically me trying to set everything right. Just go with the flow.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get this party started boys and girls

 

 

_Buzz_

 The electronic door of the prison started sliding open slowly and blindingly bright sunlight suddenly flooded the room.

The area outside was deserted, very much unlike the last time he was released from Stockton alongside the other Sons. In a different life.

Juice let his gaze drift across the parking lot, unconciously rubbing the scar Tullys knife had left on his neck. Time to get a move on. 

He took a deep breath and walked out of the prison, hands stuffed deep in his pockets and head bowed low. 

To his suprise there was a cab waiting at the curb, he had asked the guard who had passed him his belongings to call one but hadn't really expected him to do it. But hey, better than walking back. He opened the door and flopped in the backseat.

The driver looked at him through the rearview mirror "Where' you goin'?"

"Airport."

"No parole for you?" the driver asked and turned around in his seat.

"I'm pickin' someone up."Juice answered with a wicked grin "Take card?"

The driver grinned as well and wordlessly turned back around to switch on the taximeter. 

Not spending money for three years had its upsides too, the twenty percent of 'Clear Passages' paid off so at least his bank account wasn't as empty as the rest of his life. The landscape gliding past the window was sun bleached and bleak and Juice decided he wouldn't miss an inch of it. This was cursed land, had caused him nothing but shit that took up way too much time and sacrifice. 

The sound of an oncoming Harley made him turn his face away form the window but as soon as it had passed he cast a look through the back window, it didn't take more than a second to recognize the reaper staring back at him. 

"Friend o' yours?" the driver asked in a cheerful voice.

"No." he answered darkly which made the other man fall quiet.

They spent the rest of the ride in relative silence, driver whistling along to some tune on the radio and Juice sending a grateful prayer noth that the taxi had arrived quicker than the Reaper.

The Airport was bustling with activity, people hurrying past trying to catch flights or make it on time to meet loved ones. Juice was careful to keep his hands inside the sleeves of his hoodie and always cast a watchful glance into the corners. You can never know who's watching. As long as the tattoos weren't covered up or removed he'd be game to the Sons. For the first time in years he felt that luck was on his side,he found a flight much quicker than expected and the solid feeling of holding a ticket to relative safety in his hands made him breath a sigh of relief. Soon the Sons and Cali and all the shit that came with it would be far behind him. A new start lay ahead, one without guns or patches or people claiming to be brothers before using him to reach their own goals. Never again. 

Still, the nervousness only faded completely when the stewardess showed the emergency exits on the plane that would take him away and the mum sitting next to him tried to soothe the little kid on her lap. She kept shooting him nervous glances, not because she was afraid of an outlaw sitting next to her he realised, but because her kid kept crying. There was no way she could've know who he was and who he'd used to belong to and the anonymity was like a blessing. 

"Don't worry." he said and smiled at her "It's arlight."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate it, love it? Let me know ;)  
> Peace out


	2. Chapter 2

The convenience store was right were it used to be, on the corner of two streets no one walked who had no business there. The street was a little less run down than it had been twenty years ago but apart from that barely anything seemed to have changed. The door still jarred, the old bell had been replaced by a beeping sound but the voice coming from the curtain behind the counter was still the same.

"We're closing!" the beaded curtain was separated then revealing a man, looking like he'd passed sixty quite some time ago with black hair laced with white, reading glasses on his nose and a thick spanish accent. 

"Hey Berna."

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds before his expression slowly turned into a grin and he started making his way past Juice towards the door to switch the sign from 'open' to closed'. "Thought you were in Cali." he said and turned to face Juice. 

"I was."

"Haven't seen you since..." he pinched the bridge of his nose trying to remember "since your mamá decided you two'd be better off on the other side of the country. How's she doin, she still over there?"

"She's dead." he answered. 

"Sorry to hear that, she was a sweet woman." Berna said and folded his reading glasses to put them into the front pocket of his shirt "Is that why you're here?"

"No." 

"California didn't treat you well?" He musterd Juice from head to toe and the man he saw looked nothing like the boy with cornrows and the easy smile he recalled coming to his shop almost daily. "You in trouble Carlito?"

Juice couldn't help but smile, nobody had called him that for a long time "Not anymore." he shifted his weight and crossed his arms over his chest which caused the sleeve of his hoodie du slide up.

"This' a gang tat." Berna exclaimed and approached him to get a better look at it "Those bikers, you one of them?"

Juice cursed himself internally but nodded calmly "Used to." 

"And now?" the other man inquiered harshly.

"Not anymore."

Berna raised a sekeptical eyebrow "Was it on good terms?"

Juice sighed and rubbed the back of his neck "It's a long story."

"You can turn around and go right back where you came form if you don't tell me!" he pointed at the door in emphasis  "No answers, no favours."

Juice agreed it was nothing but fair to tell Berna what happened, what had brought him back to his street. Berna used to be one of the few constants in his childhood and early teenage years, his mum used to send him down to the shop almost every other day to get this or that and the kind man with the glasses low on the bridge of his nose had alway been there. He'd been one of the few people Juice had actually trusted, being much more of a father figure than the one he hardly knew. 

Berna locked up before they went upstairs to his flat above the store. They settled at the kitchen table, Berna went to fetch a couple of beers before sitting down across from Juice with an expectant look on his face

"So?" He asked and put his elbows on the table. 

Juice told him about Samcro, Clay, Jax and their vendetta first against each other and then against the rest of the world, his own role in the whole story and finally about the time in Stockton. Some parts he cut out but it was all the truth, anything else would've been foolish. Berna sat across from him, sipping his drink and listening closely. 

After Juice had finished a beat of silence settled over the room before Berna sighed heavily "Dios mio."

"Yup." Juice agreed.

"They're not after you?" he asked "Can barely believe that."

"If they wanted me dead they would've paid someone to do it while I was in Stockton. Or just done it themselves" The image of the member he had seen on his way from prison flared up in his mind. There was no way of telling who it had been, let alone if he had even been heading for Stockton.  

"Fair enough." Berna leaned back in his chair "Have somewhere to stay?"

"Not really but..." he fiddled with the label on the glass bottle. 

"I have a spare room since Anna moved out. You can sleep here until you find something."

"It's alright I'll find something for the night."

"Take it as my welcome home, hm." Berna said kindly but not leaving room for any argument.

Juice couldn't help but smile "Thank you."

"That's what you do for familia, hm. 

 

M _eanwhile 2500 Miles away_

"What do you mean gone!?"

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet today

If there was one thing he was good at it was blending in.

Autumn in New York wasn't like autumn in California, cold winds sought through the streets sending chills right to his bones and the sun was hiding behind a thick layer of grey clouds. Juice didn't mind though. He had grown up getting used to the chilly New York weather. The sound of the rain hitting the pavement was almost soothing compared to the ever present sand far west, making every step noisy with chrunching sounds and the air feeling like sandpaper against his skin. 

There were no reminders here of the stuffy air in the prison yard at Stockton, although outside it was different from the 'real' outside, heavy with an air of defeat but sizzling with tension building between some of the inmates. 

The cold winds, the rain and the grey skies were everything Cali was not and it felt like a long sought relief. No dangers were waiting around the corner, just another bleak street with bleak people. Juice felt like one of them and loved every second of it. 

There were no reminders of Tully around, threatening to throw him back into the dark place he'd escaped from. Getting away from his old life was like balm for the wounds the past years had ripped open deep inside his soul. Wounds that had never been taken care of, out of pride, lack of time or self care. He'd dedicated his life to the club, a foolish decision made by a boy who knew nothing of life and desperately wanted to belong somewhere. A decision he now regretted deeply. 

He'd never been the most law-abiding person, growing up in a certain neighbourhood had made sure of that but how he had managed to lose every instinct of self-preservation and every bit of sense left inside him he could not understand. For the first time the tome in jail did not feel like a punishment but a wake up call. It had taken some time, which you have more than enough of on your hands in jail, each passing day with no killer commando send by SAMCRO showing up confirmed his notion that they had simply lost interest in him. It meant that he had a second chance at life. 

Juice held no grudge for the remaining members of the club, the man who had thrown him into that mess was dead and gone, along with his mother and everyone who dared to get into his way. Jax had been their president, the one making decisions, the rest of them had merely followed him like ducklings. Now that Jax was dead the remaining members had to pick up what was left of the club. He wasn't expecting any kind of forgiveness, not that he would get any, but SAMCRO lay far behind him and so did its members. 

Wiith his arrival in New York, carrying nothing but the clothes on his back came the necessity to get something new. He was careful not to pick anything similar to his old wardrobe, jeans and jumpers mostly black in black. He had no desire to stand out in a crowd. 

It was strange, seeing his own reflection for the first time without the ugly blue prison shirt. He hadn't lost any of his bulk in prison but there was an edge to his expression that hadn't been there before. The carelessness had been carved out by Jaxs vendetta against anyone and everyone before Tully had come along, being the literal cherry on the pie of misery. 

_Pie._

The scar itched suddenly and a shiver ran down his spine, causing him to abruptly tear his gaze away from the mirror. They say time heals all wounds but no one ever tells you how much time it's gonna take. 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

  _6 months later_

 

Water helped.

It dampened the sounds of the world surrounding him, light, colours, sounds, everything. The silence only interrupted by the sound of his own heartbeat soothed his nerves, calmed the thoughts.

The daily pratice of first going for a run to lose the first burst of relentless energy before having a bath had become a cherished ritual, giving his day a much needed piece of structure.

Before, there hadn't been much of that. Life had been a constant swing between extremes, messy and unpredictable.

Juice knew that there was something wrong with his head, knew it since the day he'd been take to hospital for malnutrition as a teen which had put his mum into an uncomfortable need for an explanation. He'd felt sorry for her, it wasn't her fault, it had been the thoughts telling him he didn't deserve food.

They had stuck a label on him, OCD, handed him a goody bag of pills and a brochure before sending him back home.

There had alway been an underlying tone of self-destruction in his life, finding its spectacular peak in a walk through a fucking minefield. It stuck to him, the mantra in his head telling him he was never good enough, never, no matter how hard he tried.

 

The first breath after emerging from the water always felt like an assault to his nerves, smell, sound, colour, it was all back, sharp like the edge of a razor.

Juice let his head fall back against the edge of the tub and gazed at the ceiling. Little drops of water stuck to his lashes like tiny diamonds.

 

 

_"I don't know abou the completeness"  the prison counselor flipped through the file on her lap "of your medical record, but I noticed you have been diganosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you on any medications for that?"_

_"No."_

_Her brow twitched briefly "Alright. May I ask why not?"_

_"Don't know."_

_"I know you're  member of an MC..."_

_"Was." he interrupted her._

_"Excuse me?"_

_"I said I was member of an MC. Not anymore."_

_"Alright."  she closed his file and crossed her legs before resting her elbows on her knee "Still, I know that in such circles it is frowned upon to seek help._

_Juice let out a humourless laugh "That's one way to put it."_

_"Mr. Ortiz I am aware that you think that I'm uninformed but I know that you were stabbed in this very prison a couple of years ago, right after your brothers had used you as a, shall we say pawn, to get protection. I know what happened with Mr. Tully" she watched him furrow his brow "and during that RICO case." again, she kept a close eye on his reaction before carrying on "Yes Mr. Ortiz, I know some things."_

_"So you know I tried to off myself. Now what." Juice was adamant not to let her worm her way behind his walls, not like he had let Roosevelt do it. Look where it got him._

_"What I'm trying to say is that I can help you so things like that won't happen again. I can't imagine what the last years must have been like for you, really I can't."_

_"What's the point then?" he wasn't buying her sympathy._

_"The point is that I think you didn't try to kill yourself because you wanted to die, or that you hurt yourself because you want to," she looked at the thick bandage covering Juices left forearm and when he noticed he put his hand over it protectively "I think it is a way of dealing with stress your mind is unable process."_

_"How do you mean that?"_

_"What happened the other night?" she answered with a question_

_Juices lower lip trembled at the memory. In the middle of the night he'd been wide awake, curled up against the wall behind the bunk and desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. Tully was gone, moved to another prison, there was no more Tully, he would never lay a hand on him again. He repeated the words in his mind like a prayer, over and over and over again but his brain could not grasp it yet. His thoughts were like a roaring stream, drowning out every reasonable thought in its wake. His blunt nails dug into his skin, the pain was the only thing that reached his brain, clear and so real it felt like a relief. All the hurt and panic seemed to push agianst his skin from the inside like they wanted to break free from their prison like bats from a cave. The MC ink stood out against his fading tan and suddenly the black lines felt like liquid steel underneath his skin._

_A guard found him in the morning, still curled against the wall on bloody sheets, arms a mess of scratches, some so deep slivers of white showed between red and pink._

_"What about it?" his voice was cold and monotone._

_"Did you want to end your life?" she carried on._

_He hesitated, brow knitting tightly "Wanted to get rid of the ink."_

_"There was no ink where you scratched," her words sunk into him like blades._

_"I know."_

She had found her way behind his walls eventually, because he had let her in.

After years of turmoil and chaos Juice felt like he finally had gained back control of his life. A job at an actual garage which wasn't run by an MC, a small appartment which could actually be called a home, not just a place to crash after a long night spent at the clubhouse. Or killing somebody. 

For the first time in perhaps his whole life things seemed as if they were actually improving.

 

\---

 

_Meanwhile in Charming_

 

"Pres." Tig walked up to Chibs with a picture postcard in his hand.

"Whats that?" the latter asked.

"A greeting from our brothers at SamNew." he put the card on the table and looked at his president.

Chibs looked at the card showing the Statue of Liberty with a big "Greetings From The Big Apple" lettering written across it before turning it around.

_'We found a stray'_ was the only thing it said on the back and Chibs pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Juice."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the Kudos and comments up to now! Much appreciated Ladies and Gentlemen:) !

Juice wasn't having the best of days. 

A bad nights sleep was annoying enough but a bad nights sleep paired with nightmares was even worse. 

The sun was beating down relentlessly, turning the streets of Queens into hot tunnels of brick walls and concrete. 

Usually work was a good distraction, it helped taking his mind off the thoughts but it was too damn hot inside the workshop and only doing oil changes wasn't really helping either. It was hot. California hot. Fuck. 

Juice leaned against the car lift behind him, briefly closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. 

It was a mistake.

The thick odeur wafted through the air, usually heavy with the smell of engine oil and metal, but to Juice there was only one scent in the air.

_You went out good, sweetheart._

It hit him like a punch.

Suddenly it all came rushing back like an avalanche, cold and hard and relentless. The scent of Tullys aftershave had burned itself into his memory, spicy but heavy with a sickening sweetness. His gaze flew around the workshop but there was no Tully, just a few customers and Kate, the office girl. The rational part of his brain told him, screamed to him that there was no Tully, that it had just been someone wearing his aftershave, but irrational panic wormed its way through his mind, erasing everything in its wake.   _Who the fuck wears aftershave in prison anyway???_

The jaw wrench in his hand slid from his grip and cluttered onto the concrete floor. 

 _Not here, god not here_. 

Juice managed to break away from the car lift and shuffled across the workshop towards the breakroom door, the sunlight falling through the closed blinds was dim and he dropped onto one of the chairs.

Outside, Kate had witnessed the scenery, careful to keep the customers attention on herself but as soon as the door had fallen shut behind Juice she followed him.

Although her steps were determined she opened the door as quietly as possible.  

Inside the room she found an all too familiar scene although the cast had changed. There were no words to describe the hunched figure on the chair, too caught in the fangs of panic to even notice her.

She crouched down in front of him and carefully put her hand on his forearm before locking eyes with him "You know who I am. I'm Kate, Kate like Kate Middleton, remember? We're in Queens, at the garage." her voice was calm but insistent "Whatever's going on inside your head right now, I'm real, this is real. We're in a safe place, nothing bad is going to happen, it's just you and me. You hear me, you're safe."

She knew she had succeded when thick tears spilled from Juices still tightly shut eyes and he lowered his head into his hands. She immediatly let go of his forearm and moved into a standing position. Her demeanor changed abruptly from confident to awkward and she crossed her arms over her chest, not knowing what to otherwise to with her hands "I uhm, I'll let the guys know you need a minute."

His face was still hidden by his hands but she could see him nod his head. 

Juice heard the door fall shut behind her and prayed for a whole to open in the ground for him to disappear into.

 

\---

 

"Tig you're coming with me." Chibs commanded.

"Sure thing pres."

"To where?" Venus asked, seemingly having appeared out of nowhere.

"New York baby." Tig answered and her eyes went wide. 

"May I join you?" her exciting gaze alternated between Tig and Chibs "I have dreamed of going to there since I was a little girl!"

Chibs bit back a sarcastic remark "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Yeah, I mean..." Tig started, wanting to agree with his pres but Venus waved them off.

"Are you going there to handle some kind of illegal business?" she put her hands on her hips.

The two men exchanged a look before Tig answered "No, but..."

"So why exactly should I stay here and wait for you to come back whilst I might as well join you?" her sass never ceased to impress the two men.

"It's a very long ride, are you sure you're up for that love?" Tig carried on, keeping up the feeble attempts at changing her mind.

"I'll have you to hold onto, won't I." Venus drawled in her most charming and elegant voice.

While Tig smiled at her lovingly Chibs still stood between them, feeling like a mere bystander "Alright whatever." he grumbled and made his way towards his bike to go home and pack a few things. They would set off early in the morning and there was more than one thing he had  to consider.  

 

 ---

 

By the time Jucie had finished for the day darkness had fallen, the heat of the day still lingering in the yard and sticky with humidity. He leaned against the low wall separating the yard of the workshop from the small alley behind the shop, cigarette stuck between his lips when he noticed that the light in the office was still on. As if on cue the window went dark and a few seconds later Kate appeared outside the door.

He knew her from the day he'd started, the nice girl in the small office with the Mona Lisa smile. Unlike others, she hadn't asked questions or shot him weird looks. Her calm and unintrusive manner paired with the thick British accent reminded him of Chibs, back when he'd been a prospect.

She strolled across the yard and sat down onto the low wall next to him. "Why're you always the one working late?"

"I don't mind." he answered nonchalantly "Why are you still here?"

"Didn't feel like going home." she answered with a shrug before quiet settled between them. 

The muscles in Juice's jaw worked, the silence was becoming more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

"You don't have to tell me you know. No expectations." she said as if she'd read his mind.

Juice nodded apprehensively "How did you know what to do?" He'd been turning the question in his mind for the whole afternoon but the shame of flipping at work rooted deep, so he'd preferred not to bring it up again.

"My brother was the same when he came back from Afghanistan." Kate replied, scooting back on the low wall before crossing her legs at the ankles.

"Alright." he kept his answer short, somehow knowing there was more to come.

"He was in bad shape back then but Mum and Dad they were just," she paused, shaking her head at the memory "when he first told them that he'd enlisted they were furious, like literally shouting." she paused again and Juice watched her closely. He sat facing towards her, one leg up on top of the wall the other one hanging over the side. "So when he got back they were just like 'You made this decision as an adult, now deal with it like an adult.'. Fuck them. I was still at uni but what was I supposed to do."

" 's that why you're working here?" 

"Yeah. Once he moved out again I'd been away from uni for over a year. Didn't feel like I could go back. Now I'm like...drifting." she fished a pack of Malboros from the pocket of her denim jacket "Don't know what's next."

For a little while it was only the smoke curling through the silence between them. 

"Sorry," she said out of the blue "I feel like I shouldn't have emptied that out on you."

"I was raped in prison." he was suprised at how easy the words moved past his lips.

Her head whipped around to face him, eyes wide "Fuck."

"Don't know what's coming next either." he shrugged with a mirthless smile.

"Right now my life just seems way less messed up than I thought. Cheers for that." she wiped away the cruelty of the statement with crude irony.

"You're welcome."  this time the chuckle was honest but the smile still failed to reach his eyes. Her sense of humour was just as black as Chibss' which was enough for a twinge if sadness to errupt deep down inside him. There was a beat of silence in the conversation and Juice could sense her trying to figure out how to carry on. 

"Is that why..."

"Yup." he knew what she was about to say before she had uttered a single word. 

"Alright."

"Just..." he trailed off, brow knitting tightly  "gets a bit much sometimes."

She only nodded in response and threw the cigarette stub over the wall onto the pavement "I won't tell anyone"

"Thanks."

"Sure."

Their gazes lingered on each other for a while before Juice asked "Want me to walk you home?"

Suprise briefly flashed in her eyes before a slow smile spread on her face "Why not."

They moved from their spot on the wall, turned off the lights in the workshop and disappeared into the night.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware! I'm messing with timelines here!

The motel they were staying at for the night was such a cliché that Chibs felt once more like the foreigner he'd been when he'd first set foot on american soil almost two decades ago. 

The flickering light of the red vacancy sign mixed with the orange glow of the lamps illuminating the parking lot, creating a weirdly calm halo reflected by the wet concrete. He'd only come outside for a quick smoke which had turned into three, then four as his thoughts drifted. 

They had left Charming fairly quickly but the first quick rush of the ride had faded into endless miles of road ahead of them. Tig and Venus had decided to take the Van to make the ride a little more comfortable for her, leaving Chibs to the sole company of his Dyna. He didn't mind though, he'd chosen his bike anyway. The constant rumble beneath him was something he'd never trade for the comfort of a car. 

It had been a quiet ride up to now, alternating between riding and countless cheap motels. There wasn't much conversation, another thing Chibs was grateful for. 

As they'd left Charming, only the road lay ahead of them. Now though that New York was only a days travel away, something else entirely lay ahead. A road filled with questions he had no answer for.

Tig, loyal as always, didn't bother him with questions and neither did Venus. Chibs was well aware that at some point they would  have to have a conversation about what they were actually planing on doing once they reached their destination. 

If only he knew himself. 

After the picture postcard had arrived, he had made a decision but at that point he'd been unaware of what would come with it. He'd known Juice was someplace out there, had known it since the day he'd ridden out to Stockton only to find no sign of Juice. He'd decided to go himself, after everything that had happened it felt wrong to send someone else. 

If he was completely honest with himself, after Jax's killstreak followed by his suicide there'd been  so much turmoil and grief spreading inside Samcro, no one had the time nor the mindset to think about Juice. Not even Chibs. Too many things had been on his mind, Samcro expected actions of their new president and Chibs had simply done what had to done. 

It took several months to get everything into order, for the club to get used to living without Jax and Gemma, hell even Unser and Nero not being around constantly tore a deeper hole than most of them had expected. 

The first time Juice was brought back onto his mind was on a hot summers eve he'd spent mostly on his back porch, a habit he'd only recently integrated into his life to have some much needed time for himself. The sharp ringing of his phone had interrupted the peaceful quiet and he answered the call from an unknown number. The voice on the other end adressed him by his full name and before he even knew it told him that he was still listed as one of Juan Carlos Ortiz emergency contacts. 

And that he'd been stabbed in prison. 

Chibs had cut off the voice by slamming his phone shut, his fist closing around it and he took a deep breath. 

He never told the club that he'd rode out to the hospital in the early morning hours of the next day, a time he knew none of the Samcro members would be up at, and stood by Juices bedside with eyes bright from unshead tears. It was one of the many secrets he would only ever share with the road. 

From this day on, Juice had suddenly been back on his mind, the memories vivid and painfully sharp before his inner eye.

They'd never talked about him at chapel, most members seemingly content with the prospect of him rotting in prison. To Chibs it almost appeared as if there'd been enough mayhem already and most members, although being outlaws, felt that enough blood had been spilled for the time being. He'd decided not to bring it up, not wanting to interrupt the fragile peace Samcro had finally found. 

Now thought that the club was on steady ground for over three years the thought of bringing it up had been on nagging on the back of his mind far more often than he liked to admit. He found himself wondering about him in those quiet moments after chapel, when the room was empty and the cigarette smoke cooled in the air. It was in those moments he found his gaze wandering to Juices old spot by the table that was now Rat's. 

There had always been something between them, apart from being brothers in the MC. The kind of friendship you only find in people you connect to at a different level than others, the kind that makes you do stupid things that you would never regret. After what Chibs only referred to as 'the tree incident' things had started to go downhill pretty fucking fast and he could almost physically feel how Juice was loosing grip of his own mind. It had been brutal to witness but Chibs knew his place and soldiered on. 

It would be the first ever thing he did for the MC he regretted deeply. 

He regretted putting the club over friends wellbeing, pushing him further away even and not being there when Jucie had needed him the most. Each and every day he carried the guilt with him, the weight never lessening but his muscles becoming stronger. 

What was he hoping to find in New York?

What was he supposed to do? Or rather, what was expected of him?

Chibs then realised that it wasn't himself he was asking this questions, it was the president of Samcro. But should the president be making this decision?

Riding out to New York had been Chibs decision, not the presidents. He could've thrown the card away and the memories of Juice along with it, but he'd felt the urge to ride from coast to coast and see for himself what had become of one of the people he'd once held dearest in his life. 

Jax's death it seemed had seperated his life in two, even more than coming to the states had. Like a line in the sand it seperated a life of not knowing if he would make it to see the next sunrise from a life of relative safety and smooth business. Living this life without even knowing what had become of Juice after his release from Stockton made it feel like a hollow victory.

Chibs threw the bud of cigarette into the trash and got up from the bench. 

First thing upon arrival they'd have to at least drop by the SamNew clubhouse. MC etiquette.

Whatever would happen after couldn't be worse than the nescience and pondering he was stuck inside now. 

Twenty for hours. 

Chibs counted each and every one. 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask where this came from.

No more than halfway between the garage and Kates flat her phone went off and she read the text with an annoyed sigh. 

"What's up?"

"Flatmate's got her boyfriend over." she answered and put her phone back into her pocket.

"Alright."

She shifted her weight twice before speaking again "I know we don't know each other all that well but..."

"Don't worry. I don't flatshare."

"Do know that you're saving me from listening to shagging to whole night. Very loud shagging." she threw her head back and they continued their way down the street.

"What kind of a man would I be if I left you in such a damsel in distress situation?"

"Such a gentleman." she laughed and bumped her shoulder against his. 

They spent the rest of the way in comfortable silence, a welcome change to the hectic day.

When the door fell into lock behind her some time later and she let her gaze drift across the sparely decorated appertment she couldn't help but wonder.Apart from the stack of books on the coffee table and the Bialetti on the stove there were barely any indications that the flat was inhabited by an acutal person. 

"Smoke?"

"If you would have asked five floors below." she retorted with a raised exebrow.

"Fire escape."

There was something in the way their hands touched when she climbed out of the window to sit on the black iron, the warmth of his palm lingering on hers even after she had let go. Chasing the thought away she fished her cigarettes from her pocket and took his offered lighter. The stairs beneath them wound down into the pitch black backyard of the appartment building and she made sure to keep fairly close to the windowsill behind her. 

"Thanks again that I can kill some time here." 

The heat was still there, making even the air around them seem heavy. The smoke barely curling through it.

"No worries."

"Happens far too often for my taste, them taking up the appartment I mean," Kate said and carded a hand through her hair which fell losely over her shoulders "but I've been single for far too long so that's probably why it pisses me of so much." 

"Probably." he agreed with a chuckle. 

"What about you? You with anyone?" 

Juice shook his head "Nope."  _With anyone._ The words felt foreign on his mind.

"D'you want to?"

"I," he drew out the letter "don't know." saying out loud felt even more pathetic than thinking about it.

"Oh come on," she cocked her head "Girls or boys?"

The question came out of the blue and Juice had no answer but a suprised laugh for her.

"What?" she asked with a shrug and a smile.

"Where I come from there was never a choice." Over time he had learned what to keep his mouth shut about, although claiming it there were things the Sons hadn't been tolerant about at all.

"Doesn't change anything, does it?" 

"No it doesn't." he agreed "Never thought about it to be honest, attraction is about feelings not a label." It was true, nobody had ever asked so there had been no reason for Juice to think about it properly.

"Yeah but that's how it's supposed to be right?"

"I don't know, is it?" 

"It is for me." 

Although she might not have intended it to be, the statement felt brutally heartfelt to him, leaving him at loss of an answer. 

When the glow of their cigarette buds had disappeared in the darkness beneath them they moved inside again

"Do you miss home sometimes?"

"Of course," Kate said without hesitation "I don't think I want to go back though."

"How's that?"

"I don't know like, I spend more time here than in England. I reckon it would be more like an actual move than 'going back home' you know."

"I used to work with a guy from Glasgow." Chibs had been more than just a guy, so much more but the memory of him still stung too much to talk about just yet. Why the other man was suddenly back on his mind though was beyond him at that moment.

"The scottish are bloody special aren't they." 

"You're special too."

Kate looked up and their eyes met.

"Shit sorry...I didn't mean to,"  he interrupted himself and bit his lip "You know what I mean right?"

"Yeah." she said under her breath. 

It had been already there, the tension crackling like static between them, hiding behind reasons in the bright daylight but the sun had set long ago and now was the moment it deemed fitting to shoot its arrow. 

Lips met, eyelids fluttered, breaths mingled. 

This wasn't some Crow Eater back in Charming, this wasn't Stockton, this was the here and now and the only thing that mattered. 

"This okay?" she whispered when they broke apart in favour of air but instead of an answer Juice kissed her again and she laughed against his lips.

Her hands wound around his neck a little tighter, bodies pressed up against each other and their kiss deepened. This was constent, this was want and passion in all the right ways. It was all it took. 

Pieces of clothing marked their path to the bed and soon Juice hovered over her, drinking in the sight of her naked body beneath his. Hair fanned out on the pillow she gazed up at him, her honest feminine beauty catching him off guard. 

"You done staring?" she asked with a flash in her eye and gently tucked his hair.

Juice chuckled and kissed her deeply before sipping inside her. 

It was a beautiful mess of kisses and touches and rustling covers, the upmost beautiful mess known to mankind, followed by a sweet release and then nothing but calm. 

Kate had her head resting on his bicep, her warm breath ghosting over his chest. He'd resisted the ruge at first but eventually his fingers found their way into her hair, moving back and fourth in gentle caresses. 

Feeling someones body against his without any kind of threat or danger coming with it had become such an unfamiliar feeling that he could almost physically feel his mind trying to wrap itself around it. Over the last couple of months he'd been so busy keeping his life controled and in order, not to mention the years before, that he'd almost forgotten what it felt like to enjoy, to live a moment without any troubles looming in the shadows. Her quiet sigh was all it took to chase the last of the nagging thoughts from his mind. The pure calm of the moment washed over his troubled mind and soul in steady waves and he unconciously closed his eyes for a second.

"I'm glad you came to work with us."

"Me too."

Never had California seemed further away, like everything that had happened there faded in the distance and finally disappeared behind the horizon. Places, people, faces, none of that mattered anymore. If he was being truthful with himself, it had  always been one of the things he'd been told in the endless hours of therapy but never really managed to have faith in. How could the events that had made him become who he was now just not matter anymore? Many hours, too many hours he had spent with the nagging question what if. What would his life look like if he'd never moved to Charming, never become part of the Sons, not have chosen a life oustide the law? Never been to Stockton? The urge of trying to find reasons, answers even, had always been there.

Like a switch being flipped, it disappeared. The only thing that counted was the here and now.

It was like being able to breath freely again.

 


	8. Chapter 8

New York City was noisy, bleak and crowded, none of which were aspects Chibs valued in a city. For once he was actually grateful to have brought a satnav. How the fuck could people know their way around this concrete jungle?

The sun beating down relentlessly didn't do anything to lighten his mood, to say he was sweating in his leathers was an understatement. Fucking place. 

They had decided to head to the SamNew clubhouse first thing upon arrival, another aspect Chibs would rather not think about. Enormous wasn't anything close to fit the size of the New York charter presidents' ego, a personality trait Chibs didn't like in particular. He had never gotten along well with the man but the offer to crash at their clubhouse was enough for some niceties. 

The scenery might change but the play was the same, a club house tucked away in a dodgy backyard, Dynas parked out front and lots of short skirts bustling about. 

Chibs put his helmet on the seat of his bike just as the van pulled up next to him and walked towards the mass of black cuts waiting to greet them.

Some faces were new but most were well familiar and they hugged their greetings once Tig and Venus had caught up with him. 

A prospect showed them their rooms in the back of the clubhouse and they quickly dropped their bags before heading back.

"What'cha got?" Chibs asked promptly after coming to a halt next to the SamNew president, Tig following closely behind.

"Still not beating around the bush, huh?" he said, leaning casually against the bar behind him and mustering the other man from head to toe "Tommy spotted your guy when he was on a run in Queens, followed him." he motioned his head in the general direction of a guy standing nearby.

Chibs recognized the boy from a visit to New York some years back, him and Juice had gotten along well so it didn't suprise him that Tommy had recognized Juice. 

"We didn't do nothing so far," the other man continued "he's yours to deal with."

"Where is he?"

"Working at some latino garage down in Queens, one of those were all them kids go to make their grans old Civic look like The Fast and the Furious. Ask Tommy for directions." he added  "What you plan on doing with him?"

Chibs only nodded and walked away with a face which was more than enough to tell the other president that it was less than none of his business. He wasn't keen on any more snide looks so he decided to join some other brothers and catch up a little. 

He was happy to see them after such a long time but a part of his mind was still drifting and pondering and wondering. Time passed, it was almost midnight when he decided that he needed some fresh air before heading to bed. He shouldered his way trough more short skirt, some of which had moved up several inches, and once he was outside took a deep breath. 

A light drizzle filled the air and thunder rolled across the sky so he moved to stand underneath the small carport by the garage. Lighting a cigarette he tried to order his thoughts. 

The sound of the door behind him interrupted his train of thought and he turned around to see Venus approaching him. 

"Gotten lonely in there?" Chibs asked.

"By choice, Filip." the clicking of her heels echoed through the yard "I've gotten used to this by now and rather not get in the way."

Chibs only chuckled in response.

"Oh, I meant to ask you. What are we doing here exactly?" she wasn't put off by his annoyed sigh and carried on "Neither me nor Alexander have bothered you with questions but I think now would ne the right time for some answers."

There were many things he could have said; No one forced you to come, What's it to you, None of your business, but, he argued, it just wouldn't be fair. "I know." he admitted. 

"You're not planning on hurting him, right?"

"No." he said darkly. 

Her brows knit tightly "You won't...kill him..."

"God no!" Chibs exclaimed before shaking his head with his eyes cast down "That ship has sailed."

"So what then?" 

"Just...wanted to see how he's doin, I guess." he knew how silly it sounded but he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Thats why you asked Alexander to come with you, didn't you? Too loyal to ask questions." there was no accusation in her voice but her eyes gave her away.

"Suppose I underestimated you," he cocked his head with a faint smile "again."

"You did." Venus agreed before mustering him, the way he was leaning against the blackened bricks behind him he suddenly looked nothing like the Samcro president "You feel guilty, don't you." it was more of a statement than a question. 

Chibs hesitated. He had no desire to tell her only for it to end up with Tig knowing, no right now he clearly did not need that kind of news spreading.

"Whatever you say is safe with me. After all, being discreet is my job." she said as if he'd read his mind. 

He huffed out a laugh, she never ceased to amaze him. "Let's put it this way, time changed my views on lots of things."

"You can only mean Jax."

"All the bloody mayhem he unleashed could have been prevented if we as a club had stood up against him as one. We were blind, Venus, all of us. What has happened cannot be undone but..."

"You can try to make it up to the ones who suffered. The one, rather." she crossed her arms of her chest "That's what I would call felling guilty." she added in a low voice, head tilted towards him.

Chibs carded a hand trough his hair with a sigh of defeat "Fucks sake why do you always have to be right."

"Someone has to be." her smiled was genuine this time "Good night Filip." 

With these words she left him standing in the New York rain with a head full of thoughts. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the kudos and comments, you make my day guys:)

_Stockton, 2014_

_The rational part of Juices brain knew that the voices weren't real. His thoughts would get loud in stressful situations, always had and he'd accepted it, but things had changed since Tully had appeared on scene. The Nazi had wormed his way underneath his skin like a parasite, left a permanent mark constantly itching and burning, keeping the memories fresh and vivid._

_Nights were the worst._

_When the lights went out and all lines and contours melted together the prison became a deep and silent tomb full of tension and anxiety with the cockroaches and the snoring from the bunk above him being the only sounds all around._

_There was no distraction, no way out._

_It was in those blue-grayish nights that the constant nameless murmuring inside his head turned into Tullys velvety voice, filling his thoughts and radiating through his body. No longer mumbling but speaking clearly, reciting verses of poetry or speaking to him with sickening kindness, compassion almost. The walls turned into his almost sickly white skin, a shadow of hair winding around it and eyes piercing the darkness. Juice knew that he was hallucinating but unable to do anything to stop it._

_Night after night passed and his walls cracked more and more each day, thoughts getting louder and more agressive while reality faded more and more. Prison counselling didn't do much anymore, the constant confrontation with Tullys attack dogs kept nurturing the trauma to keep him from moving on like a gigantic thorn hedge._

_Tully was back with him and Juice was shivering on his bunk, arms curled around himself as if to make sure he was still solid, still real._

_"Your're not well, are you darling?"_

_Juice squeezed his eyes shut and silent tears spilled._

_"I know you want it to stop."_

_More tears._

_"What if I could make it stop?" he swore he could feel a hand on his cheek "Let it happen sweetheart."_

_Fingers coiled in his hair and slammed the back of his head against the wall behind him, one, two, three times, not stopping until a guard had Juice pinned onto the floor._

_There was no prison infirmary this time, only a light blue room with bars in front of the windows and cuffs on his wrists, and this time there would be no return to Stockton. At that time there were way too many sedatives in his system to remember the faces of the people who'd told him that he'd been taken to a phsychiatric hospital._

_Later, he learned that it had been himself who'd almost managed to fracture his own skull._

_And that the OCD was only the tip of the iceberg._

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of swapping POVs in this chapter, it makes sense to me but if you read it and go like 'Hold on, what?' just let me know.

Kate had curled around him at some point during the night and Juice woke up with her hair tickling his nose. Lazily he turned his head to nuzzle the crown of her head, hand slowly moving up and down the beautiful curviture of her still naked body in a gentle caresses. She let out a quiet moan and buried her face in the crook of his neck. 

"What time is it?" she mumbled.

"Six thirty."

She grumbled before raising her head to look at him "Good morning."

Her hair was messy and a smudge of eyeliner decorated her cheekbone but Juice couldn't help but marvel at the sight of her "It is."

There was a brief second where both of them were still, simply looking at each other surrounded by the pale moring light before she made a move and kissed him. Their bodies still melted together as perfectly as the night before and endorphins exploded. 

"Do you have coffee?" she asked after they'd broken apart. 

"Cabinet over the sink." 

Juice watched her get up and quickly pick up her panties and a shirt before disappearing through the bedroom door. He stretched lazily before picking up a fresh pair of boxers and heading to the kitchen as well. 

There was this cliché about girls wearing their boys shirts but at the sight of Kates butt peaking out from under the seam of his shirt Juice forgot about it immediatly. 

 

\---

 

"Tig?"

"Yeah!"

"You and Venus make good use of the morning. In the afternoon I want you watching the shop. I'll take the garage."

"You sure you wanna go alone?"

"I'll be alright, I'll go incognito and so will you. No need to stir anything up." Chibs ordered sternly before his features softened  "Go make your ol' lady happy."

"Alright." Tig said with a flash in his eye  "Thanks brother."

Chibs only nodded and took another sip of coffee before lighting a cigarette. The day wasn't going to be easy and he needed some time to collect his thoughts before heading out. 

Going outside without his cut on he felt  almost naked, unprotected like a piece of his armour was missing. In a  way, that's what the cut was. It showed everyone that he wasn't one to easily mess with, nonverbally protecting him in a way not even his scars managed to. Without the patches on his chest he was almost like any other random bloke on the street, granting him just the anonymity he needed right now.

It was a busy morning and Chibs blended into the crowd quite easily. He'd left his Dyna at the SamNew clubhouse as it would draw too much attention to him, luckily the garage wasn't too far from the clubhouse but even if it would have been, a little morning walk couldn't hurt.

The garage looked like any other garage he'd ever seen, a big yard, car lifts inside and a large sign above the entrance. He chose his spot wisely, tucked away but still so he could see everything that was going on. Someone was going to notice him sooner or later, it was inevitable so he already kept an eye out for an alternative spot. 

Chibs had arrived only a couple of minutes ago but he became restless, his patience already fading. There was nothing unusual about the garage, a customer here and there and a handful of guys fixing cars. A young woman rounded the corner with two paper cup holders in hand, walking straight towards the entrance before calling out inside the garage. Her words got lost in the distance but judging by everyone gathering around her she must have brought breakfast. 

Just like Bobby sometimes had. 

 

\---

 

"That dress isn't fair." 

Kate flashed him a challenging grin and took a sip of her coffee "I know."

Juice only laughed and resisted the urge to kiss her on the spot. 

 

\---

 

Seeing that disarming smile again after over three years felt like a hand closed around his guts and just twisted, twisted, and twisted some more. 

Chibs couldn't take his eyes off the scenery before him, couldn't do anything. 

He remainded at his hidden spot for the whole day, until the gate across the street had closed. 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Love it, hate it?  
> Let me know;)


End file.
